Over breakfast this morning, Maxi Minx calmly told me that she’d told everyone in nursery where babies come from.
When I stopped choking, I asked as nonchalently as I could, “Oh yes? What did you say?”
She smiled coyly and whispered, “You’re my mummy; I feel shy”.
“Pshaw!” I protested. “You’ve drank my booby milk. I’ve changed your nappies. You’ve pooed on me. I’ve cleaned up your sick. You can’t be shy with me!”
Argument won, and her little sisters safely busy in the other room, Maxi told me all about it. “Well, Abigail O asked me where babies come from. It was very noisy in the nursery so I shouted at the very, very, very top of my voice ‘OK, I’ll tell you where babies come from!’ And the amazing thing was, everyone suddenly stopped talking. Just like that!”
I bet they did. “Oh right. What did you tell her, then?”
“Well!” Maxi said brightly, “I told her that we all have eggs in our bodies, right from when we’re born, and they’re right here,” she chatted, pointing vaguely in the general direction of her ovaries, “and they ripen when we’re older, and… Mummy?” she interrupted herself. “When did your eggs ripen?”
“Um, when I was 15”, I said, hoping and wishing that today wouldn’t be the Chat About Periods.
“Why?” she asked. I managed an eloquent “Uh?” “Why did they ripen then?”
“Because that’s when you turn from being a little girl to being a woman.” See? I only ever answer stuff a bit at a time. And only answer what I have to. It’s the Bad Mother’s way out, but it’ll do for now.
“Oh” she thought to herself. “Well, anyway. I told Abi that your eggs ripen, then a baby grows from one of the eggs, then it comes out your vagina!” she described the sum total of her sex education proudly and with gusto. Hell. Spit. I’m obviously going to need to do some proper explaining.
“Riiiiiiiight. What did your teachers say?”
“Nothing. They weren’t there”. Thank God for that – a slight reprieve.
“Uh-huh. Right, do you want Ready Brek or Cheerios for breakfast?” I replied, which is my equivalent of ‘oh, the answer to that hard question is ..OH LOOK, BRIGHT SPARKLY SHINY THINGS!!’
I wonder how long it will be before one of the other parents complains?