22 Jun 2007 – Project Curbar

One of my brothers phoned today out the blue. My mum told him my news about Project Curbar. God, now all my family know, except my Dad. I asked her not to tell anyone and she’s been telling the world. Not because she’s proud or pleased – the stroke she had halfway through her 5 cycles of chemo last year pretty much destroyed the ’emotion’ bit of her brain. Well, the bit that can *show* emotion. Oh God what’s worse? Not to feel any emotion or to feel it but not be able to show it?

Anyway, when my periods came back after I stopped BFing The Minx, it did occur to me to get pg as fast as I could to give my Mum something to look forward to, maybe something to focus on a bit? She was always on at me to have kids. But I figured that was a really stupid reason to have children (well, dur, how astute of me to figure that out).

I told Mum on Sunday when I found out I was pg (a) cos she knew DH was buying an HPT and (b) I thought she’d be pleased / have something to look forward to / etc. She didn’t seem pleased or displeased. Just said “Oh right”. Today it occurred to me that now she’s kind of accepting her diagnosis, she’s maybe thinking that she won’t live long enough to see my baby? That’s what I’m thinking. Call me morbid, but I’m seeing every milestone in my pregnancy as another milestone towards her death.

What’s with the doom and gloom today? Ok, this week? Maybe it was talking to my brother, and him confirming my fear that she’s really deteriorating now. I’m worried she’s not got long left now at all. A year ago, when she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, the consultant said he was hopeful that she’d have a year. She initially did so well on the chemo till she had that massive stroke. So where are we now? I kind of want to know if she’s only got weeks left, but I kind of don’t. A big part of my mum is dead already, that the stroke took. But (selfishly) I’m so not ready to say goodbye yet. I want her to see this baby and tell me if s/he’s like me as a baby or not. I want her advice and help and wisdom and stupid advice and old wives’ tales. I really wish I could share being a mummy with her. Becoming a mum myself changed my perception of her and our relationship.

I’m rambling now. Time to stop.

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