21 Jun 2007 – Project Curbar

Wahey paranoia strikes again – I was *that* close to doing another POAS test just to make sure I was still pg. I’m hungry as a horse, as shattered as normal, but no nausea or extra weeing. But logic finally broke through – no AF, no cramps, so probably still am. And what if it was + but weaker than Sunday? I’d only convince myself I was losing it, end up in a right old state, and what would be the point of that? I wish I had a fast-forward button to 12 weeks… Not that it’s a magic ‘Safe Keysies’ date, but I’d feel so much more reassured. Och well. Patience, Trout, patience…

The girl whose feelings I hurt the other day posted to thank me for my apology. I still feel bad for her, but feel so glad she read my apology. She certainly didn’t need to acknowledge it, but it was lovely that she did. I’m watching more and more (ok, 1 or 2) post that they think they’re miscarrying. Reading that, I feel like we’re in a game of skittles. All stood up, big and brave and nervous and expectant (bad pun – sorry). Then along comes the Grim Reaper and ‘swoosh’, down goes another to miscarriage. No-one knows who’ll be next, or who’ll be left standing in 2 months time. It’s heartbreaking. And all the time there’s a little voice in the back of your head going, “Next time, it could be you; it was once and it could be again”.

Such cheerful thoughts. Anyway, on a happier note I saw the doc yesterday. She was lovely, but as expected pretty much said ‘congratulations’, checked my blood pressure, gave me an Emma’s Diary (?! never seen that before!) and shooed me off with the number of the mw. More worryingly, when I spoke to the mw, she said she’d no appointments in July (!!!!) She’ll get to me. So now I have something else to freak about – if my booking-in is early Aug, at best I’ll be 12 weeks, possibly 15 weeks cos my dates are confused, and that leaves either no time or just 2 weeks to get seen for a scan to do the Nuchal fold screen. I didn’t before, but being 36 and an unhealthy old bag at that, I’m a bit concerned. I know there’s a mw shortage (I sign every petition campaigning for more), but leaving it that late is maybe a bit scary? And I don’t know if I can go ahead and sort out a private Nuchal fold screen test thingie without ever being seen by a mw. Or am I panicking? (again). I’ll sleep on it and have a think. Oh aye, except I’m not sleeping – The Minx has the squits really badly. Poor wee lamb was at the docs today herself. She’s a roughty-toughty little girl who never appears ill but today she just wants cuddles. So I think I’ll be spending all night doing just that.

Fingers crossed tomorrow brings DD feeling better and me feeling worse (IYKWIM – some ms would reassure me a whole lot). I can’t believe I’m even thinking that – mad cow!

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