19 Jun 2007 – Project Curbar

Oh bloody hell, I’ve just accidentally wounded some poor lass in my AN group. She posted that she was starting to miscarry and it made me cry, so I posted straight off what I was thinking. But I didn’t really reflect on the words I’d written. On going back tonight to see if actually she’d happier news after all, I was devastated to read that my words had cut her to the quick. Like she doesn’t have enough heartbreak without me adding to it. I hadn’t known what she’d had to put up with in the past. When she posted that, I could totally see how patronising and cruel my words came across. The complete opposite of what I’d intended. I thought about saying nothing, but felt so bad that I tried to apologise as best I could. I hope she reads my apology.

I’m so upset about it that I’m shaking now. But if I email her a personal apology, or add anything more, I’m scared I’ll make it all even worse. And I’ve caused enough hurt accidentally.

One comment she said, “If you’ve never had problems, then don’t tell me… ” etc. I thought, my God love, if you only knew. That stung, but (a) there’s no way I’d start saying, “well actually, here’s my tale of woe about my dying mother, my health, my sick husband, my worries about another mc, a job that made me ill, etc, etc”, and (b) I think her troubles are pretty devastating anyway – I agree that in comparison I’ve no worries at all.

So. Now I feel sick and guilty as sin for being a thoughtless cow, I feel guilty about being pregnant and I’ll never, never post anything more meaningful than “Hooray” or “I’m sorry to hear that”. What a cr*ppy end to the day. That poor girl.

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